This piece was originally published on on May 14, 2011.


Well, well, well. Look at the U.S. media scrambling to scoop each other on intel taken from the late Osama bin Laden’s hideout in Abbottabad. The materials seized by the U.S. Navy Seals include CDs, papers, flash drives, and bin Laden’s journal containing his thoughts and plans for new terrorist operations.

But big-time American journalists don’t realize that MY highly placed sources in the CIA have given me intel that’s yet to be declassified. Like the rough draft of Osama bin Laden’s journal. Every news organization has his journal, but only yours truly has the rough draft.

Here’s a sampling of his private musings, as well as tentative new ideas for murder and mayhem, which he ultimately rejected. He ended up favoring train derailments and poisoning drinking water supplies instead. The draft offers a peek into his creative process:


I, SHEIK OSAMA BIN LADEN, heed the Almighty’s words, yada, yada, I warn all unholy evil doers, etc., etc. that they are fated to die (?) are dead meat (?) toast (?) doomed! Doomed sounds better. Good boilerplate intro for suicide bomber tapes, mujahid rallies, beheading ceremonies and the like.


SOUNDBITES: (For Arab media) Ye who believe, take not the Jews and the Christians for your friends and protectors. They will sell you out (?) screw you (?) throw you under the bus (?) betray you. Betray sounds best.

(For U.S. lamestream media) The Jewish-Crusader alliance’s accusations that I distort the teachings of the Book are in the category of “accusing others with their own affliction in order to fool the masses.” Quotable, but may sound too Chinese. Need something more westernized.

How about, “Ask not what Islam can do for you, but what you can do…” No. I have a feeling that’s been said before. Okay. Here’s one: “Muslims, don’t retreat. Reload. Wee wee up!” It has a Sarah Palin-like appeal to the undereducated. Could work.


ON MY PUBLIC IMAGE: With God’s merciful dispensation, Al Jazeera’s Tora Bora footage shows me in my ideal weight. I must lose five pounds (remember, the camera adds 10). Must never look pale. I’m supposed to be a living ruggedly outdoors. Ask courier Ashad to rent a tanning bed. Reminders to self: Never look at the camera; right side is my good side; half-smile only, never a full one. Vocal exercises before taping—ah, ah, ah, bah, bah, bah, etc.

Photographs of me, God’s obedient servant, must always include a sacred Kalashnikov rifle in my hands. Branding. Branding. Branding. May the blood of our martyrs lubricate the trigger mechanism. Would consider joining Facebook and Twitter, bt mst fnd a wy td it wo bn traced.

Wife No. 2 must not string my eyebrows too thinly so I won’t look like a eunuch. My beard needs dark highlights. Grecian Formula charcoal black. Massage olive oil on face nightly for a healthy gleam. Pond’s Cold Cream is better, but it’s for the weaker sex. Petroleum jelly by bedside can be applied to prevent chapped lips, among other unmentionable uses.


ON MARTYRDOM: There is a special place in the Hereafter for Holy Warriors. I hope the virgins awaiting me will fit my ideal: between 16 to 18 years old, dutiful, pious, and looking like Whitney Houston when she was young, before the drugs and that unclean Bobby Brown. Would like to whack that thug.


ON WOMEN AND STRANGE FEELINGS: Observe that impious American fool, Obama, trying to steal TV time from me. I love death. He loves life. That’s the difference between us two. But his wife Michelle is pleasing to the eye and should, therefore, wear a burqa. (Reminder: Start a “where’s the marriage certificate” controversy.) Shame on her for igniting impure thoughts in me. That Sarah Palin does too. Fortunately, they’re no longer between 16 and 18 years old. Will there be Avena syrup in Paradise? That Viagra is too hard to find even here in P. Must keep up with young wife No. 3.

A propaganda idea: Demonstrate how our women are superior creations of God, unlike the corrupt females of the infidel West. Ask the Taliban to co-produce a reality show called “Real Housewives of Jalalabad” or “Big Sister Punjab.” There will be lots of bitchin’ and moanin’, but the object is to expose and declare a fatwa on those who secretly desire education and independence. May involve graphic stoning. For men: “The Bachelor (Loosely Speaking) Kabul.”


NEW TERROR TACTICS: Our blood-drenched mujahideen will continue planning to cause disasters that will make even children’s hair turn gray. Some ideas about how to bring death and/or suffering to millions of detestable Westerners:

• Bribe a U.S. senator to sponsor legislation imposing the death penalty for Americans who misspell their own language, like those who write “grammer,” “educashun,” “Satin” for “Satan,” “cemetary” instead of  “cemetery,” “principle” when they mean “principal.” Millions are sure to die. Only immigrants from India and the Philippines will be able survive such a government-sanctioned holocaust.

• Assassinate Oprah Winfrey. Housewives will die of depression or boredom and be led astray without a role model. The U.S. auto industry will sink to a deeper slump because there will be no more car giveaways to studio audiences. Also novelists aspiring to be best sellers will starve to death.

• A suggestion from our Philippine affiliate: “Kidnap Justin Bieber, then behead that brat after we get the ransom. Little teenyboppers by the millions will commit suicide.” (I don’t know about this. Our Abu Sayyaf brothers are sometimes too worldly for my taste. I already rejected kidnapping Lady Gaga. BUT those brothers are part of our Cause. Broadly speaking.) In any case, Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez, who are probably between 16 to 18 years old, must be spared no matter what.

• Bribe U.S. legislators to tax the rich more, set up universal health care, divert military spending for domestic programs. This will make apoplectic Republicans stage a coup d’etat and put an end to the pretentions of American democracy. God willing.

• Give guns to college students, now that Republicans want to allow concealed firearms on campuses in Texas and Arizona. Why did you give me a “C,” Professor? Bang bang. Give guns to mail carriers so more can go postal. Also to Christian fundamentalist church members in tiny towns. Someone’s always shooting someone in those congregations during Sunday service.

• Again from our Abu Sayyaf brothers (Ohh, boy): They say I should buy a Philippino TV network that will air the Willie Revile Me (?) show 24/7, with stripper-dancing pre-adolescent boys and girls. “Could start riots among bleeding heart middle class.” (I don’t know. Stripper-dancing pre-adolescent girls isn’t such a bad idea. But put on agenda: Our Abu Sayyaf brethren may need religious reeducation. Perhaps in a reform madrasah.)

• Use some of my bin Laden fortune to give millions of Americans free tuition to the Donald Trump University. This will so hasten the decay of American culture and manners it won’t be pretty. They’re fired! Ha, ha, ha. Is that how he says it? They’re fired!? Mwa ha, ha.


God grant me wisdom in evaluating these ideas. I do not wish just any kind of death for the impure Americans but a spectacular death. But God in Heaven, I had a fitful sleep last night, dreaming of black birds swooping down from the frozen mountains of Afghanistan and splattering droppings on my compound. Eww. Time for bed. Wife No. 3 is beckoning. Not tonight, dear. I feel a headache coming. Just above my left eye.