Buencamino writes political commentary for Action for Economic Reforms. This article was published in Business Mirror, March 29, 2006 edition, p. A10.

The Malacañang-financed movie, “Paglaban sa Kataksilan – 1017,” is the fictional account of a woman scorned.  It is the sequel to “Paglahok sa Kutsabapalooza – 2000.”

“Ka-kutsaba namin si Gloria nuon (to oust President Estrada),” reminisced a remorseful  Satur Ocampo as he displayed photos of those happy days before Gloria Arroyo charged him with rebellion.

Ignacio Bunye, the pirated-CD distributor, said it was the man’s fault. Satur was a satyr who  took advantage of a little girl’s purity and innocence and broke her heart.

Bunye said:  “She had to try to consolidate the nation at a time of grave national necessity, which she did….But she regrets having met with militant leaders, knowing now that they started to plot against her administration from day one since its inception, and they were never serious for peace.”

I believed Bunye, until a friend whipped out a magazine and showed me an interview featuring Gloria’s husband.

Mr. Arroyo said, “There was a time honestly, when I felt I erred in advising her to resign from the Cabinet. The masa in Manila apparently wanted her to stick it out with Erap. And when she started attacking him, everything fell on us—grabe!—everything! But I told myself: it’s now or never; if we lose here we’re totally destroyed and it’s goodbye to her political career—but if we win here, she becomes President! So we really fought.”

So, the little girl also had big plans for herself right from the very start.  The country bumpkin’s daughter was not so pure and innocent after all. And Bunye was not exaggerating when he said the little lass went on a nationwide fling as soon as she felt the bukol of grave national necessity.

She kutsaba-ed with two former presidents (one a female), the moderate left, the military, the trapos, civil society, and, political celibacy notwithstanding, a cardinal and most of his bishops(!).

It sure looked like everyone, except the masa in Manila, participated in a kutsabapalooza to oust President Estrada. But the presidential valet, Mike Defensor, said “it was just a coincidence” that the military was also in Gloria’s boudoir.

He made the claim despite the fact that Gloria had already admitted there were five military groups in there with her one year before Estrada was overthrown and after she named active colonels, generals and retired officers who joined in the revelry soon after.

Mike Defensor still has to learn how and when to tell a lie. Mike Arroyo, on the other hand, has to learn how and when to temper the truth. When he spoke about EDSA 2, he revealed  that only death could have prevented his wife from sleeping in the presidential bed.

He said, “And when Edsa happened, we texted everybody to go running there. EDSA, EDSA: everybody converge on EDSA! Panalo kung panalo. Patay kung patay!…In every place where Erap loyalists had a force, we had a counter-force to face it, with orders to shoot….This was a fight to the finish….I told him (Estrada’s negotiator) point-blank: “If by six o’clock this morning you haven’t given us the resignation letter, we will storm the gates of Malacañang!”

Satur was perhaps too eager to join the saturnalia of 2000.  He and his friends ventured into Gloria’s lair and forgot what every favorite uncle tells his horny nephews, “Huwag makipag-laguyo sa pro kung walang proteksyon.”  (Don’t go to bed with a pro if you’re not wearing any protection.)

Now we have to suffer the screening of a Malacañang-financed fantasy about a woman scorned. All because Satur and his friends left their uncles’ advice in their wallets.