Buencamino is resident satirist of Action for Economic Reforms. This was published in the February 09, 2011 edition of the Business Mirror, page A6.

“A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke” – Marx

Letter to Archbishop Oscar Cruz

Dear Archbishop Oscar Cruz,

I read where you said President Aquino is more disobedient than Gloria Arroyo on the issue of birth control. I cannot agree with you more.

I share your view that PNoy must put the Vatican’s will over and above the sovereign will of his people, that he needs to be reminded that his mandate came from Heaven and not from voters, that attending to your religious teachings must take precedence over addressing the material well-being of his people, and that he cannot be allowed to continue to ignore the fact that you toppled a president when you asked your flock to “make a clear moral choice” and you kept one in power when you remained ambivalent about her moral fitness.

By the way, I think you should ex-communicate Bishop Romulo Dela Cruz of Kidapawan for not going along with your call for protest rallies against the RH bill. How dare he tell his flock that ‘the issue should not be discussed in the street’?

How are you going to replace PNoy with an obedient president if Dela Cruz tells his flock to stay home and discuss the RH bill intelligently? Besides, what is there that still remains to be discussed?

Dela Cruz simply needs to tell his flock that God did not create the rubber tree so that they could have latex condoms. God made the rubber tree so that they could all chew gum.Period. Like you, I’m tired of the moral relativity spawned by post-modern thinking. I believe we should let priests decide what’s good or bad for us.

Moving forward, I won’t be fooled by those population control Nazis who changed the RH bill’s name to “The Responsible Parenthood, Reproductive Health and Population and Development Act of 2011.”

I will not follow Sen. Sotto who dropped his opposition to the bill because its name was changed. I’m not ready to declare victory and say, “It’s a sign of weakness of the RH bill. They have retreated because they know their position is not the right one. So their target now is to go for the poverty alleviation issue, and not population control issue. Then I’m with them.”

Our enemies are deceitful, so deceitful that they were able to fool the highly intelligent and erudite Senator Sotto with a sleight of hand.

Speaking of trickery, I want to bring to your attention an innocuous-looking contraceptive for both males and females. A smart young lady who just returned from Europe gave it to me and other friends as a pasalubong.

The contraceptives are in a burnt red flip-top box, 20 cylinders that look, feel, and smell exactly like cigarettes. They are ingested through smoking. The cylinders look so ordinary that you could be talking to your parishioners and not suspect that they are smoking a contraceptive right before your eyes.

How did I catch the trick?

Simple. First, the box containing the contraceptive cylinders carries a trademark of the winged helmet used by ancient Gauls. I know the helmet is a phallic symbol so the wings made me suspicious. Winged phallus, a flying penis, what could that mean? Second, and this confirmed my suspicion, the box has a warning label that says, “Smoking can damage the sperm and decreases fertility.”

(Note: I know the warning label’s syntax is bad but you can’t expect the people who invented open-mouth kissing to be better at English than those who propagated the missionary position, can you?)

I won’t reveal the name of the contraceptive or its manufacturer at this time. Consider my tip a blind item like your blind item about unnamed PNoy administration officials receiving payola from unidentified jueteng lords or that two groups are out to topple PNoy because he is incompetent, unable to see the wisdom of tolerating corruption and following orders from the Vatican.

You and I know that blind items fuel speculation and that if you name names right away you will kill the gossip and people will move on. Blind items are better. You can get a lot of mileage without producing proof or witnesses. That’s the whole point to blind items, isn’t it? But why am I telling you this, you are the expert.

Semper fi,