Buencamino is the resident satirist of Action for Economic Reforms. This piece was published on March 11, 2009 at page A6 of the Business Mirror.
I was fed-up with news about corruption and human rights violations so I switched to a program doing showbiz chismis.
The chismosos were discussing something that Vicki Belo, owner of the country’s leading face and body repair shop, said on TV.
“What’s that about?” I asked my traveling companion.
“Vicki had said, if you want to look like Boy Abunda , go to Calayan,
but if you want to look like Dingdong Dantes and Piolo Pascual, come to
Belo,” my traveling companion recounted.
She explained, “Vicki Belo was only taking a swipe at her leading competitor, the Calayan Surgicenter.”
“Oh, but isn’t some Fil-Am woman suing Belo Medical Group over a messed face job?” I asked.
“Yes,” she replied. “The poor woman now looks like Dingdong Dantes after a fistfight.”
“Wasn’t Belo also sued by a Fil-Am for a penile enlargement operation gone wrong?” I continued.
“No,” she corrected me. “That was Calayan’s patient, but he lost the case.”
“Oh, poor guy. Now all he’s got is a dinged dong,” I cracked a pun.
“Moving on,” she said firmly, “Boy Abunda said he was insulted and hurt by Vicki’s remark. He went on a super self-pity trip.”
“Why, what did he say?”
“I don’t remember,” she said.
As luck would have it, the station replayed Abunda’s response.
“Vicki if you are watching, you know that I didn’t do anything bad to you to deserve this insult,” Abunda said.
He added in Pilipino, “You know I never ever capitalized on my looks
because I don’t have it. My success comes from hard work, perseverance,
and prayer. I have no illusions that I’m handsome but no one has a
right to ridicule me because of my looks.”
I was beginning to feel as sorry for Boy as he was for himself until I
drove past a billboard with a photo of Boy looking like a character out
of the movie, The Matrix, asking, “Nagpabango ka na ba?”
I was driving quite fast so I didn’t get the point of the ad.
“What was that all about?” I asked my traveling companion.
She said, “He’s marketing a cologne called Boy Abunda For All Sexes.”
“It’s for all sexes – male, female, gay, straight, bi, transvestite, trans-sexual, metro, whatever,” she explained.
“So it’s for everybody,” I said.
“No, not really,” she replied. “It’s only for those who want to spend P199.00 to smell like Boy Abunda.”
“Huh? Boy Abunda’s smell is marketable?”
“Apparently,” she said. “I read an interview of Boy last year and he said his fragrance is selling like hotcakes.”
“Wow! Maybe he can also sell Boy Abunda Scented Candles For All Occasions,” I said.
“Yes, like Somber for Funerals, Solemn for Churches, Festive for Parties, Romantic for….”
It was turning into a game. So I interrupted, “How about Boy Abunda Aromatic Oils?”
“Bath soaps?” she interjected.
“Yeah, bath soaps, shampoos and conditioners!” I said excitedly.
“Nope, shampoos and conditioners won’t do. Sorry, game over,” she announced.
“Why? Why can’t we expand into shampoos and conditioners?” I wanted to keep the game going.
“Because he’s bald, you idiot!” she hmmped.