Premature ejaculation*

Buencamino is a fellow of Action for Economic Reforms. This piece was published in the May 13, 2009 edition of the Business Mirror, page A6.

“Filipinos come quick.” – Lenny Bruce

I know that writing about 2010’s probables is premature but, what the heck, I’m Filipino.

Chiz Escudero hopes his age, communication skills, and Danding Cojuangco’s resources will do the trick.

Loren Legarda wishes Danding would mistake her for Chiz.

Gilbert Teodoro hopes Danding will listen to Gloria and trust Emperor Bangit’s ability to make things happen.

Mar Roxas believes he can “padyak” (pedal) his way to Malacañang on a pedicab and a Korina.

Manuel Villar hopes his campaign slogan—“Sipag at Tiyaga (hard work and perseverance)”—will convey the message that he’ll make a good president.

Ping Lacson expects voters to reward Villar’s sipag at tiyaga in the anomalous C-5 road extension project with sipa at tadyak  (kicks).

Villar hopes Joker Arroyo, Alan Peter Cayetano, and Nene Pimentel can save him. He presumes having them on his side is enough to convince the public of his righteousness. But the public knows.

They are aware that Joker now lawyers for Bonnie and Clyde Arroyo. And they marveled at how Cayetano needed only two years to accomplish what Joker took a lifetime to achieve: transmogrification from “Kung Bad Ka, Lagot Ka (If you’re bad, you’re finished)” to “Kung Bad Ka, Sagot Kita (If you’re bad, I’ll cover your ass).” And they remember that Nene voted against Villar’s election to the Senate presidency and voted against Villar’s ouster from the Senate presidency.

Noli de Castro hopes political analyst Tony Gatmaitan’s prognosis—that he will form his own party if he is not invited to head the Lakas-Kampi ticket— will scare the occupant of Malacañang. Maybe it did because one of the occupant’s mouthpieces, Gabriel Claudio, spewed a classic.

Claudio said Gatmaitan’s forecast was “typical of political armchair analysis and barbershop talk” and, without so much as a by-your-leave to his own barber, he added that Noli’s ‘clean record and mass appeal are clearly established’ and Noli will “prefer running under the administration coalition than with any other group or under any other scenario once he is ready to take the plunge.”  Claudio cuts hair when he’s not advising Malacañang’s occupant.

Noli’s problem is picking the right running mate. He cannot allow the administration coalition to pick his successor because Edsa Dos will surely do an encore if he’s the only obstacle between their vice president and the nation’s vault.

Noli needs a running mate who will scare people away from Edsa, someone unthinkable as a president, someone like Lito Lapid, Mad Miriam, or Mike junior.
At any rate, I wish 2010 would become mano-a-mano between Makati Mayor Jejomar Binay and MMDA chairman Bayani Fernando. That’s because I have a great political ad to sell to Binay.

The ad will open with pictures of Boy Abunda, Dingdong Dantes, and Piolo Pascual accompanied by a voice-over of Vicki Bello’s famous swipe at her competitor. “If you want to look like Boy Abunda, go to Calayan, but if you want to look like Dingdong Dantes and Piolo Pascual, come to Belo.”

The ad will end with pictures of pink sidewalk toilets and pedestrian railings in Marikina, skyscrapers and malls in Makati, and a voice-over intoning,    “If you want the Philippines to look like Marikina, vote for Fernando, but if you want it to look like Makati, vote for Binay.”

So there. Now it’s time for the cigarette after.

*Ejaculation also means “a sudden, usually loud or forceful exclamation.”

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