Octopus Dei

Buencamino is a fellow of Action for Economic Reforms. This was published in the March 9, 2011 edition of the Business Mirror, page A6.

 

It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry. – H. L. Mencken

 

 

Emboldened by the statement of Atty. Louie Sison that the anti-contraceptive ordinance passed by the Ayala Alabang village council would become a model for barangays nationwide, the leader of an anti-RH Bill group called a pre-mobilization meeting with his troops.

 

“We will fan out to the provinces and get every barangay in the country to adopt the ordinance! Any questions?” said the deacon.

 

“It’s my daughter,” said a woman sitting in the front pew. “She’s thirteen and she’s taking contraceptive pills. I’m worried that if drug stores keep a record of her purchases the information might fall into the wrong hands and her reputation will be destroyed!”

 

“She’s thirteen and she’s taking pills? Lady, you should be worrying about raising your daughter correctly.”

 

“Sir, but she’s going through puberty and her hormones are raging…”

 

“My God,” interrupted the deacon, “are you going to use her hormones to excuse her wanton ways?”

 

“What I was trying to say was her doctor prescribed a contraceptive to control her acne. Birth control pills have other uses. They are used to treat endometriosis, menstrual cramps, regulation of menstrual bleeding, and certain types of acne, among other things.”

 

“I have a similar problem with that record book,” interjected another lady.

 

“What is it?” asked the deacon.

 

“My son just graduated from the Philippine Military Academy and he has been assigned to Mindanao.”

 

“So?”

 

“He asked me to buy several boxes of condoms.”

 

The deacon was incredulous. “What does he need them for? He’s being sent there to fight heathens not to have extra marital sex with them.”

 

“Yes sir, but he’s going to patrol the swamps and he wants to put condoms on the barrel of his M16 to keep the water out.”

 

“Look, we can’t get bogged down by exceptions. Now let’s move on and get on with the opus Dei.”

 

“There are other problems with the language of the ordinance,” said a male voice from the back pews. “Under the Declaration of Barangay Principles, the ordinance states that the council condemns the irresponsible and indiscriminate use of contraceptives.”

 

“What’s your problem with that?”

 

“Is the ordinance implying there are responsible and discriminate ways to use contraceptives, I thought we only allowed natural family planning?”

 

“Didn’t you hear what the lady said about her acne-ridden daughter?”

 

“I see, so it’s okay to use contraceptives as long as it’s not for preventing pregnancy.”

 

“Can we move on, please?” said the deacon, exasperated by the pilosopos.

 

“The ordinance could be breaking Health Department directives,” the same man pointed out. “It said, ‘All funds which are budgeted or disbursed by the BARANGAY for programs to support responsible parenthood shall be used exclusively to promote and provide effective and scientifically proven Natural Family Planning (NFP) services to married couples and those engaged to be married.’”

 

“Yes, but that’s in line with the council’s interpretation of the relevant Constitutional provisions so let’s leave that to the courts,” replied the deacon.

 

“What about the advertising ban on abortifacients, is that legal?”

 

“Abortions are illegal,” the deacon replied.

 

“But Congress is still debating whether all contraceptives are abortifacients. So where did the barangay get the authority to determine what’s what?”

 

“Let the courts decide that too.”

 

“You seem confident that the ordinance will pass all legal challenges.”

 

“Of course, didn’t you read what Cardinal Rosales said about the chances of our opponents defeating us?”

 

“No deacon, what did he say?”

 

“He said, ‘Believe me, whatever they do, there is no chance that the Catholic Church would lose because Jesus Christ always wins.’”

 

“Well, what if the RH Bill becomes law?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“If the RH Bill becomes law, does that mean Jesus Christ was for it? And what does that make us, the anti-Christs?”


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