Movies: Coming Detractions

This piece was originally published on http://globalnation.inquirer.net/viewpoints/viewpoints/view/20110304-323471/Movies-Coming-Detractions on March 4, 2011.

 

SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA:

The following PREVIEWS have been approved FOR ALL AUDIENCES by the Motion Picture Assassins of America.

THE FEEL-GOOD MOVIE OF THE YEAR! Walt Disney Pictures’ 3D adventure fantasy “Allies in Wonderland” by prize-winning director Tim Burton. Three kindred spirits find themselves in a rabbit hole of illusion.

Muammar Qaddafi is mesmerizing as the clueless Hatter: “Protests? What protests? My people love me. Love me.”

Glenn Beck completely loses it as the argumentative Cook: “The Left, the Muslim Brotherhood and Al Qaeda are all in cahoots behind the Arab protests. It will lead to a communist Islamist caliphate New World Order, I’m telling you! See it here on my chalkboard chart.”

And the scene-stealing Bongbong Marcos delivers the performance of a lifetime as the storytelling Mock Turtle: “If my father remained president we’d be like Singapore today—no one will be allowed to chew gum.” “Allies in Wonderland”—a triumph of the imagination. Coming to a theater near you!

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IN A WORLD of spreading revolution against Arab regimes, ONE MAN stands among the biggest losers. A story of heroic heartbreak and bitter disappointment–Universal Studios’ “Lost in Transition.”

From the cliffs of Tora Bora to the trails of Chitral, Pakistan, Osama bin Laden thought of nothing but restoring a caliphate. Only to see his people answer another call. “Uh, hey guys, you’re supposed to be waging jihad for my repressive Islamic fundamentalist rule, not democracy remember? Hello. We’re about blowing ourselves up in crowded buildings, guys. Guys?”

Mullah Omar delivers an explosive performance: “What’s the matter, you misguided masses? You don’t like stoning infidels and disfiguring educated women? You think voting is better? May you sleep with Satan without protection!”

And featuring the incomparable Mahmoud Amadh…Amedjeha…Amijh—the President of Iran: “Fools—freedom is a foreign idea!” “Lost in Transition” is history in the making! With a cast of thousands from Tunisia, Egypt, Yemen and Bahrain, rising in their desire for universal human rights, inspired partly by Facebook and Twitter. Coming to a theater near you.
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MORE SWEEPING than David Lean’s celebrated Oscar-winning epic! More daring than any feat of diplomacy by the legendary T.E. Lawrence! United Artists presents “Allowance of Arabia”—a political suspense thriller based on Michael Korda’s bestseller.

First, Tunisia’s Ben Ali falls. Then, Hosni Mubarak of Egypt. Libya and Bahrain are on the brink. Is Saudi Arabia next? FEAR STRIKES King Abdullah’s Wahabi heart. He must do one thing, or his kingdom will be SWEPT AWAY!

“I must give every Saudi citizen who’s not my relative a handout–an emergency allowance totaling $37 billion for all ordinary Saudis–so they’ll stay off the streets.”

See King Abdullah face down a startled Saudi royalty: “What are you pussies whining about? It’s a drop in the barrel compared to the billions I’ve given you for your Rolls Royces, Swiss chalets, yachts, Gulfsteam jets, jewels and Filipino domestics.” Never before captured on screen—politics so BOLD it will astound the free world. “Allowance of Arabia” coming this fall.
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As more overweight Americans waddle to an early grave, the nation’s culture war has never been more devastating. AT LAST, a movie that will change how you feel about dinner. Universal Studios’ “A Few Good Mein” is coming to your Century Cinemaplex.

Sarah Palin in a scorching role: “Your Honor, this administration wants to intrude in what we serve for entrees! The government should keep out of our freedom of personal choice…except in banning abortion and making school prayers mandatory.”

Michelle Obama stars in her first screen appearance as first lady: “Frankly my dear, I do give a damn. I encourage parents to serve more natural foods at the family table, like vegetables and fruit.”

“Fruit?! You can’t handle the fruit!”–Rush Limbaugh is unforgettable as a small-town prosecutor in the court of public opinion, in a searing performance worthy of Jack Nicholson. See it soon. “A Few Good Mein”—come hungry to a multiplex near you.
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Two years after the his airport men’s room solicitation scandal, ex-Senator Larry Craig resurfaces as a lobbyist in his old haunts in Washington, D.C.–in the horror-love story, “The Toilet Saga: New Moonings.” But will he or won’t he give in to the temptations of the Capitol’s men’s rooms?

ALSO COMING SOON—remastered classics in Blu-Ray and HD DVD:
“Leave the condoms, take the cannoli!” Pope Benedict XVI is the inscrutable don of the Vaticano family–“Ya twahkin to me, punk?”–in Martin Scorsese’s unknown masterpiece, “Godfellas.” Order it from Netflix.

She masquerades as an ombudsman, but she’s caught in the crosshairs of controversy. Accused of betraying the public trust. She goes after small fry but refuses to file charges against big grafters in the Arroyo administration. Merceditas Gutierrez turns in a deadpan performance as “Mrs. Doubtfile.”

From Dreamworks, the creators of “High Infidelity” and “The Pounding Fathers” comes a touching romance between a washed up Republican and himself. Newt Gingrich is “The Accidental Purist.” A serial bridegroom leaves his first wife as she’s dying of cancer, and has an affair with his current wife, while he’s still married to his second. But now he’s all for FAMILY VALUES because he happens to be thinking of running for president in 2012. The FUNNIEST, SEXIEST romp of a movie in years! You’ll howl till it hurts!

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