Holy Week reflections

Buencamino is a fellow of Action for Economic Reforms. This was published in the March 24, 2010 edition of the Business Mirror, page A6.

“The only gossip I’m interested in is things from the Weekly World News – ‘Woman’s bra bursts, 11 injured’. That kind of thing.”Johnny Depp

The first column I read on Sundays is “Sizzling Bits,” the weekend showbiz gossip column in the Life section of this paper. I like “blind” items about celebrities— they are more fun than deciphering cryptograms.

The first blind item:

“SHE is beautiful and appealingly brown-skinned. Men are crazy over her natural gifts, especially her well-shaped gams.

“Surprisingly, however, she has never been half as successful in her love life the way she has triumphed in her career. Why is that so?

“Well, according to the purveyors of gossip, while she enjoys the company of men, her enjoyment is supposedly double when she is with women.

“Yes, honeybees, she is a lesbian, albeit a very discreet one.  No wonder, she never seems to find real happiness in the company of men, for deep inside she is more titillated by the company of women.”

Disappointing news? No. On the contrary, I saw it as the opportunity of a lifetime. I texted a friend of the actress and asked her to tell the actress that I was the one she needed to make her life whole: I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body.

She texted back, “You’re a pig, not a lesbian, trapped in a man’s body.”

But seriously, this business of “outing” people who prefer to keep their gender private is just plain wrong. Not only is it a violation of privacy in the worst way but it also jeopardizes careers. It serves no useful purpose and, besides, the actress is really beautiful.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I won’t stand up for people who are not beautiful but it’s just that much easier when they are.

The second blind item:

“THIS aging TV host/entertainment columnist loves to write about the most intimate gossip about celebrities in her tabloid columns. Her life, however, is even more controversial and juicy compared to the stars she writes about. Hahaha!


“Honey, this aging woman happens to swing both ways.


“Meaning, she’s an inveterate bisexual… Anyway, this pug-nosed TV personality also had a fling with a male sexy actor… On top of that, she, too, had a fling with this popular sexy actress who has now ventured into the intriguing world of politics.


“No wonder she writes in a most convincing manner about the supposed secrets of the stars in her—in fairness—well-read columns.


“After all, some of the stories are culled from her personal experiences.”

The news about the sexy-actress-turned-politician made me cry. No, not because she had an affair with that aging pug-nosed columnist but because she became a politician. Now both her voluptuous body and her anorexic brain will go to waste.

I was about to text my friend again, this time to share my depression over the actress-politician’s fate but I held back. I knew her unsympathetic reply would be, “It’s true that a mind is a terrible thing to waste but waste of the sort you cry over is a terrible thing to mind.”
Speaking of doing the right thing in a pragmatic sort of way, isn’t Holy Week a better time than Valentine’s Day for the Department of Health to pass out condoms?

That’s because Holy Week vacations in the Philippines are like Easter school breaks in North America, if you know what I mean.

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