Great Escapes for the Frantic Traveler

This article first appeared in the Inquirer Global Nation website: http://globalnation.inquirer.net/20395/great-escapes-for-the-frantic-traveler

 

Whether you’re looking for a break from a 9 to 5 job, or thinking of going away for a long, long time but not to prison, byebye.com is just a click away. We’re the go-to site for the traveler who’s in a big hurry to leave and money is no object.

Byebye.com has the best deals, the biggest extras and the quickest getaways for the traveler with very special needs. When it comes to avoiding inconveniences or ignoring limitations, byebye.com can be cited for contempt.

If you can sneak past your airport authorities, our partners worldwide can arrange anything and everything just for you and your unique requirements. Here are some of our affiliates—they’re the best in hospitality that money can buy:

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SINGAPORE awaits you, lah! The Safehouse Grand is a clean, well-protected hideaway in the modern metropolis. Shop duty-free at our international airport, which is as big as our country. A Safehouse Grand limousine can also whisk you to fantastic first-class stores that carry truly brand-new designer items. No used products are passed on to unwitting customers, unless you’re from the national police. Go ahead, spend some ill-gotten wealth. Give in to a guilty pleasure without the sentencing. Human rights groups have criticized our government leaders for abuse of the court process. You’ll feel very much at home. Certain crimes and misdemeanors are punishable by judicial caning. But there’s nothing to worry about if you don’t commit acts of vandalism. Also, by law you can’t be caned if you’re given the death penalty. So, kickback. Relax. Our byebye.com-affiliated hotel will beat everyone’s prices. Come come, lah. Stop by on your way to farther destinations. Can! Can! (All facilities are wheelchair accessible.)

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Are you in a very big, messy gazpacho? SPAIN is the place to be a fugitive from all your cares. The Corona Continental Hotel in Madrid is a well-appointed retreat for the traveler who wishes to be beyond the reach of anxiety. We fix everything for you, in the inimitable Corona-style. Do we go overboard to serve you? We’ll be the judge of that. A la orden! A dedicated staff will cater to your every need with no hold orders. Here you will be secure from all your trials and woes. Besides, the Spanish legal system is based on the Code of Napoleon (Bonaparte, who was also very short). It is hierarchical and could be difficult to navigate. Some experts say that the best way to prevent legal problems is to avoid using our legal system. So only a fool will follow you all the way here to take you to court. Que guay! And don’t be afraid of our famous Judge Baltasar Garzon. He only goes after really blatant mass murderers like Pinochet. We have a very good no return, no exchange policy. The very exclusive Corona Continental is your hideout away from home.

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Feeling kaput? Besieged by extreme pressures? Well, guten tag and willkommen in DEUTSCHLAND. Brace yourself for a blitz of good time. At The Bunker Platz Hotel we have ways of making you happy. You’ll have a great escape without the tunneling under travel restrictions, ja? We’ll tear down the wall that separates you from your peace of mind, and put you to sleep like a little girly girl. At $20,000 (only Euro 15,000) a night, our presidential suite is very affordable to you; so is the $20,000 dinner for your entourage at our LeCirque. Ach, come and get your money from our banks before the Euro disappears. Afraid of very public and sensational trials for capital offenses? Not to worry. The last one we had with many hangings was in Nuremberg after the war. And, you’ll love German Criminal Code Section 188, which prohibits Malicious Gossip and Defamation Against Persons in Political Life. It is a law after your own heart; the punishment for your enemies will be imprisonment from three months to five years. You can tell them, “Bring it on.” So vat are you vaiting for? Come, you’ll be uber safe here. Achtung! Enjoy yourself now.

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Say arrividerci to all your problemi at the luxurious Villa Tangentopoli, a Proprieta Berlusconi establishment. Come taste ITALY’s la dolce vita. We have ruins, paintings and pastas. Good-looking women and men, we have. Mamma mia what else you want? For you, vino red and white, of course. Medical care, not so much. But that’s not really why you come here, no? You can get indulgence for sins of all sizes, including fraud and general dishonesty, at the Vatican right in the heart of Rome. No sin is too big, yes? Travel advisory: When in Rome, you can do as the Romans do, except graft and corruption. You must resist the big urge because here the accused are displayed behind bars in the courtroom, like animals in the zoo. You don’t want that, signora, signore. Also, the Camorra, ‘Ndrangheta and Cosa Nostra they don’t like competition so much. Could be dangerous to your health. Other than that, you should have a peaceful sojourn. And did we say you can drive from Italy to Switzerland and its marvelous banks in just a few hours? Here’s a bonus: Any Swiss banker who reveals your information without your consent may face prison time. Hello, when are you coming already?

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Make a quick getaway to sunny DOMINICAN REPUBLIC. Oye, oye es cachu! We have surf, sand and exotic delights. Stay for 7 days or stay forever, whatever pleases. Bank transfers from Germany or Switzerland? No problem. And ta heavy, you’ll bask in the benefits of our legal system. Our Supreme Court can assume exclusive jurisdiction in matters affecting the president and other high officials, no questions asked, unlike in some countries we know. Here we will treat you like one of our own. Just speak to one of our diplomats at the high-society cocktail party nearest you. Deniability by our foreign minister guaranteed. The world-class Destinaciones Asilo Arreglado is your passport to carefree living. Fly now, plead later. Or never.

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But if you really just can’t get away, byebye.com can still be at your service RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE! Our exclusive Tanay Last Resort is the ultimate in resthouse arrest. You can retire in splendid isolation, or you can plot a comeback. Whatever you do you’ll enjoy catered meals, air-conditioned rooms, and state-of-the art amenities such as broadband courtesy of NBN-ZTE. Since you couldn’t be fast enough leave the country, you should at least have high-speed Internet access. It’s our way of showing our appreciation. Round-the-clock protection provided by a secret special-ops unit. Take it from a very satisfied client, former Philippine President Joseph Estrada:“Tanay Last Resort is a very restive place. I warranty.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

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